Long time no see! It’s been 4 months since my last post on my top 12 public transport pet peeves. Why the 4 month hiatus? Because nothing special came to mind until… I witnessed a scandalous little incident on the bus on my way to work recently.
It was TOO GOOD not to share so here goes…
My commute to work is always pretty stock standard. Since I’m not a morning person, I usually scrape things real close by arriving at my bus stop about a minute or two before it actually arrives.
As I enter the bus to tap my opal card, I have to hold my breath because the bus driver’s gear (like his bag/ his clothes) ALWAYS smells like fresh onions. It’s as if he starts the day by spritzing onion and taking a wholesome bite out of a raw onion like Tony Abbott once did. Weird. I know. But it is what it is… So to avoid the pungent onion scent, I always make sure to sit towards the back of the bus, as far away possible from the driver.
Once seated I prepare myself to get some shut-eye and about 40 minutes later voila! I’m at work. Pretty stock standard right?
Well let me tell you how things were NOT SO stock standard one fine Thursday morning. I was abnormally chipper and early to the bus stop. I got on the bus and within moments, a silver fox (some might call him a DILF) in a silvery grey suit also gets on the bus and sits right beside me.
I think, DAMN he’s a fine specimen.
Peppery, styled hair – check.
In shape – check.
Great suit – check.
Doesn’t stink of cologne – check.
Nice accessories – check.
I’m in awe for a little and then disappointingly he does a full man spread and wedges me right up against the wall. I’m like oh COME ON. How dare he? I get irritated by this invasion of space so I assertively shimmy to make clear that I’m entitled to half the seat space and he should back the f*ck off : )))))
Then the DILF pulls out two phones.
He holds a space grey iPhone 6 in his left hand and starts composing a text message with a Nokia 3310 brick (that everyone used to use back in the 2000’s) in his right hand. I did a double take because I couldn’t believe he was actually sending off a text message using a pre-historic Nokia BRICK with rubbery buttons and a tiny ass screen…like what??
Anyways at this point I’m intrigued by what the f*ck is going on. Why does the DILF have two phones? What is this DILF actually up to?
Being nosey, I decide to lean over to read his messages. To be fair he was composing the messages at an angle that made it really easy for me to read. Please no judgment guys! I don’t typically snoop. I swear I don’t.
Within seconds of observing him I figured out he was sending text messages from the Nokia and receiving replies on his iPhone 6. Upon even closer scrutiny of the text message replies coming through I found out that THE DILF named the contact “Telstra” and it was evidently a lady BECAUSE THE TEXT MESSAGES WERE RAUNCHY AS F*CK!
Something along the lines of, “I can’t wait to get physical with you again kiss emoticon. I can’t wait to feel your hands all over my body.”
Did I just catch a glimpse of a full-blown affair? He didn’t have a wedding band on.
This DILF was messaging his mistress/ the “other woman” on his Nokia and was receiving text messages from her on the iPhone. He NAMED the contact “Telstra” and “Telstra” was telling the DILF that she couldn’t wait to get physical with him again. I mean that sounds like a PRETTY AVERAGE conversation that people normally have with Telstra Customer Support Reps if you ask me????
Also the message history was truncated (he had clearly been deleting his message history) to cover his tracks…
After I pieced all of this together, I demoted the DILF to a home wrecker and got off the bus and went to work feeling utterly shooketh.
Hope you enjoyed the read!
Until next time… ciao 🙂