Oh mah lordy lord it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here hasn’t it? It’s been a full 5 months and 6 days since my last post here and I want to say a huge thank you to all the beautiful souls who read that post and dropped me a line saying how comforting and healing it was to know that they weren’t alone!
I never fathomed that the post would garner such a wave of support so if anything, that should have given me extra strength to keep posting, right? To my dismay, that blog post was the reason WHY I felt the burning need to take a massive hiatus.
Having written extensively about how damaged I was, I quickly realised that I had birthed this blog when I was in the thick of my depression and so it was easy to associate the blog with a lot of negativity. www.Iamennaojkim.com was once a source of immense joy since it was my escape from law, but months after, the pain still felt palpably raw and simply looking at the website gave me stress.
So I abandoned it.
I let it go and told myself, pushing myself through shit that I don’t want to do is exactly what will do my head in even further. So I vowed to bounce back into it when I was finally in a better headspace and the itch to write had finally returned 🙂
So what’s new?
Here’s a real quick recap of the past five months:
I quit my office job in January,
then went travelling for a couple of weeks to Europe,
and then came back to Sydney and settled into a gorgeous team at Incu.
I discovered I have anxiety, which worsens my emetophobia. I found the following excerpt down in the comments section of a YouTube video on panic attacks.
Anxiety starts then you become hyper aware of your body. When your adrenaline goes up that high it causes nausea and and hyperventilating causes you to swallow air. Chronic anxiety causes chronic ibs and other stomach problems. The physical pain increases anxiety. Anxiety Increases the pain. I always think I’m dying. I’m convinced it’s my heart or my system is failing. It is terrifying. Even though you know it’s anxiety you can not convince yourself that you are ok. You literally are exhausted afterwards because of fight or flight reaction to mass amounts of adrenaline being released.
My older brother got married in April,
and I got laser eye surgery which means I have FINALLY been able to ditch the glasses and contact lenses I was using over the past 15 years of my life!!
I’ll be graduating on 29 May which is in TWO DAYS TIME so holla at me if you’d like to say hello at my ceremony and finally, I’ll be starting full time work in June.
Now, listen up, I know you’re probably wondering is there any real punch line to this post? Why yes. Yes there is. Let me dish it up to you right now.
I’ve spoken elaborately about depression and mental health and the GOOD NEWS IS I’ve finally reached a happy place.
I feel like my mental health has bounced back to where it used to be, which is the best possible gift ever. I’m here writing again because I have the mental strength to starting documenting, doodling and sharing all over again!
What changed between now and then?
Why do I feel better now?
I feel better because I took 10 days of uninterrupted rest. I’m talking, 10 days of nothingness. No plans. I had absolutely no obligations, or responsibilities or people to answer to. The laser eye surgery was what warranted the 10 days of rest so I could heal my eyes and recover in the safest possible way.
There was a conversation I had with a mentor that stuck with me vividly which was that: when you feel burned out you need to take time off to completely switch off. I had known this and I had THOUGHT I’d done everything within my power to “rest” but turns out… I wasn’t “resting” right at all.
To begin with, I couldn’t remember the last time I had more than 3 days of complete and utter nothing. I had taken days off but nothing substantial and though you might consider travelling “relaxation” the Europe trip was still extremely mentally and physically taxing. Reflecting back on my past, I was actually a workaholic. I was ALWAYS constantly working – constantly since the age of 14 I’ve worked at KFC, Woolworths, David Jones and the list goes on.
So on Day 1-2 post surgery I was completely incapacitated by the pain, light sensitivity, and watery eyes. I was bed ridden and reliant on my parents but on the 3rd day I felt independent again and my eyesight gradually started to clear. So then I found myself contemplating what I could do with this beautiful luxury of time and that’s when I found myself dabbling back into the OG activities I was interested in, blogging being one of them.
I also took the time to plunge back into selling second hand clothes on eBay for clients; go thrift shopping and reading books!
The 10 days of utter nothingness gave me the opportunity to truly slow down and gain my sanity again and to feel completely alive and present again.
I truly wondered whether I’d every be able to beat the blues but YO IMMA PUT IT OUT THERE 10 days of nothingness was incredibly healing and for anyone feeling the same kind of heaviness, I would encourage you to do the same!!
I feel better, and I can see better and I can see so clearly that I can see Africa and I can see my own fucking future.
Anyways bye for now.
Please watch this space for more doodles and other rambles.