I hope you’ve all been having a killa week!
Nothing too crazy has happened on my end of the world since the last blog post, but a few highlights from last week include: visiting Rozelle Markets with my primary school teacher, going on the Bay Run with Sienna, spectating the Arsenal soccer match at ANZ Stadium with the bf, brunching and finding exquisite pieces from my local thrift store. I may be doing a post on “how I styled my thrift finds” so if you’re interested, stay tuned!
Another small announcement before diving into today’s post is that: I’ll be posting regularly on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays moving forward! YAY🤗🤓
Today’s topic is quite personal because I’m sharing some of my learnings from my past relationships with you, and this involves confrontational advice that I urge all of you to consider if you’re caught in a similar situation. I know that sounds forceful, like I’m pushing my opinions down your throat, but you have to trust me on this one!
To give you a little back story, I dated a couple of guys during high school and a few guys during university. These relationships spanned anywhere between 2 months to 2 years. Some of these relationships were great while they lasted but some were an outright waste of time and I genuinely wish I could claim a refund for the time spent failing to realise the downward state of my life.
I guess from a positive light, failed relationships are blessings in disguise because you learn so much about yourself/ the style of relationship you prefer/ the kind of person you want to meet. I can certainly say that I learned a truckload through my dating experiences and for f***s sake, WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN I could be so naive, frivolous and air-headed!
Some of my relationships broke down because I fell out of love, because I was no longer physically attracted to them, because I didn’t find the guy inspiring enough or because the guy stopped putting effort into the relationship. These things happen and it’s sad. But they’re not the focus of the post. These incidents didn’t take much of a toll on me as some other things did. They didn’t fire me up the way that the following list of incidents did…
I learned the hard way that it’s time to leave a relationship when…..
- They don’t trust you
I once had a bf who would peer over my shoulder every time I opened a Facebook chat with another male. He’d then make it very clear that I shouldn’t be speaking to any other male and that I shouldn’t be sending emoticons to them because that was a sign of me “enjoying the conversation”. He couldn’t bear the thought of me enjoying another conversation with another male.
For social occasions or parties, he would always say things like, “I trust you, but I don’t trust the other guys at the party”. Um yeh sure buddy. That’s reaaaaally trust isn’t it???
Note, if there’s no trust, then your whole relationship is absolutely f***ed. There is no hope. You might as well dig yourself a hole and prepare your own funeral. Abort mission.
2 . They try to change who you are
I once had a boyfriend who told me I was too social and too talkative and that I needed tone that right down and become a potato. I was exasperated because I felt like my personality was my best asset and he was trying to sap the life out of me.
3. When they try to suppress you
I once had a boyfriend who restricted the kinds of social settings I was allowed to go to. I wasn’t allowed to go clubbing, go to parties, go to dinners, join societies at uni or wear slightly revealing pieces of clothing.
He wanted me to become a nun. But I wasn’t about the nun life.
Perhaps he was unhappy with the trajectory of his own life to bear the thought of seeing me happy. Which is majorly f***ed since we’re supposed to be uplifting each other.
4. When they fail to see your point of view
I got so exasperated with the conversation I was having with the ex boyfriend over the phone that I ended up screaming expletives at the top of my lungs and hanging up the phone. Because I screamed so forcefully, I recall collapsing to the floor, clutching my chest. I know that sounds slightly dramatic but I was so profoundly frustrated by his immaturity that I couldn’t contain my anger any further. He kept barking back at everything I was saying without trying to understand my point of view.
I remember having to call my neighbour to vent when this happened because I sadly had no other close girlfriends to confide in at the time, since I had cut all my friendships off thanks to him and his possessive nature.
All I remember is that I was a crying mess. I was barely coherent and was bawling my eyes out, wailing about how shitty my boyfriend was. Lol.
5. When he makes you choose between him or your friends/ when he complains about the amount of time you spend with him
I recall my ex boyfriend being a diva about how I wasn’t spending enough time with him, and how he’d rather take a give it your all or nothing approach. Let me spell out for you what he meant by that: he insisted we only spend full whole days with each other, and in cases we could only see each other for 2 hours in a day, he’d dismiss that.
If I had planned a brunch catch up with a girlfriend in the day, he’d make me cancel that so I could spend more time with him.
He wanted me to become a recluse and I pathetically followed his wishes and become a recluse. I hated myself for that and I developed a notorious reputation for being “the flake” among my university friends. Good times.
6. When they don’t bring out the best in you
Evidently, a culmination of 1,2,3,4,5 resulted in the worst possible version of myself. GAWD I hated myself during this time and GAWD I felt like I became a totally different person.
Don’t lose sight of your own identity. If they’re changing you into a drastically different person, you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Get out.
7. When the variety of conversations you share are limited
This one’s a huge one for me. To me, relationships are all about embarking on life together and growing together. If you’re not able to get through tough adult conversations together, discuss future plans or have a variety of intellectually stimulating conversations with your partner then what are you really? A pair of potatoes?
I remember catching myself one time thinking, wow, this is so sad because the only topics areas we covered on a regular basis ranged from shopping to university life.
8. There’s more but I’ll end the list there for now.
If you’ve made it this far without punching your own laptop/ mobile screen from the frustration of living vicariously through my failed relationship experiences, I APPLAUD YOU for your self control!
The bottom line is, if you’re experiencing any of the 7 things listed, chances that you’re deeply miserable are high and you’re dragging out the relationship when it should have ended MUCHOS earlier! I’ve seen way too many people stay in unhappy relationships when they’re evidently miserable. They nod their head yes, when they wanna say no. But YO this has GOT to STOP. It’s unhealthy and you’re wasting your precious life away.
Good advice from my God mother: the moment you start seriously thinking about breaking up with someone that’s the moment you have to cut it off!
With the power of hindsight, I’ve come to realise the biggest mistake I made with all of these relationships is failing to put my own happiness first. I prioritised someone else’s happiness and in the process of doing that, I became unrecognisable. You have to prioritise your own happiness above everything else and then actively chase that happiness. The funny thing is, people don’t think rationally when they’re in “love”. All of this is so much easier said that done. Because people are afraid of change, people are inherently attracted to stability and familiarity, people are afraid of being flung into the open and having to start again, people are lazy. But remember, delaying your happiness will only amount to regret. Failing to take massive and immediate action now about your shitty relationship will only amount to a wasted time and missed opportunities.
Remember, the people around you affect your potential to achieve great things. Some of the most influential people in your life are your family members, your partner and your friends. Because they’re so influential that’s WHY you have to be extra careful with who you let into your life.
Be purposeful with life and keep in check with yourself whether you’re happy or not.
Why are you dating them? Are you happy? Why aren’t you happy?
I hope this post encourages you to move outside of your comfort zone!